I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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