3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
