god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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