My liver just broke up with me...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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