his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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