i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
