i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
