Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
FUCK WHALES
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
