i love accidental penises.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
