Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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