I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Randomize
