I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
