Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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