I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
