i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
