I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
