i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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