He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
