it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
