The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
