my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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