We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
