Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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