Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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