The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
