Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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