Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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