Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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