I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
