god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
