I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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