Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
