he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
