guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
