Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
