i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
