Your face is a jimmy john
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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