I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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