Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
