I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
