no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
