1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
