Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
