I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
