so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
