I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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