Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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