I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
