My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
