The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
