Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
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the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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