He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
