so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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