I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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