i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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