Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
