Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
