Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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