shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
