I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
