i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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